


Thorn in My Side

by m3535, Zayhad



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Sex, Comedy, M/M, Neighbor war, Neighbour conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-16 15:36:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18524455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m3535/pseuds/m3535, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zayhad/pseuds/Zayhad
Summary: Regulus used to have a nice old lady living next door, but when she dies, the world's most annoying (although, admittedly, quite attractive) young man with a pestilence of a mutt moves in. Regulus himself is, of course, a model neighbour anyone would be lucky to have.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The newest work of ours (M3535 and Zayhad) is up. It's not as long as our previous - just 3 chapters.   
> We hope you'll like it!  
> Next chap will be posted next week.

**Chapter 1 -** **I’ll Stick Your Head on the Wall**

“For fuck sake!” groaned Regulus, looking out the window to his back garden. “Not again!”

He jammed his feet into his loafers and stormer outside to catch the little white/brown Jack Russel mix sprinting around the lawn in circles, looking like it was having the time of its life. “COME HERE!” yelled Regulus, chasing the dog but falling on his face when he was just about to catch it. “YOU LITTLE BASTARD - just wait till I catch you, I’ll stick your head on the wall!”

Finally, he managed to catch the dog, falling on it like a rugby player on a ball. His clothes were dirty, patches of green on the knees and elbows. He scooped the yapping dog up under an arm and marched next door. Hammering on the door, he yelled, “Come out here, you wanker, and take your bloody cur!”

The door swung open and a tall, thin young man stood in the door, looking very irritated when he saw who was on his doorstep. Remus (as was the young man’s name) tried to calm himself, however, not wanting to get into another fight with his new neighbour. He had always been a person who tried to get along with everyone, but Black was impossible to please. “Thank you,” he said and reached for his dog.

Regulus turned to the side, swinging the small dog out of his neighbour’s reach. “What are you going to do about him constantly breaking into my garden? You’re lucky I’m against animal cruelty, or I would have just kicked him all the way over the fence!”

“Well, what are you going to do about that skinny rag that keeps shitting in my garden and hunting my birds?” Remus countered, crossing his arms.

Regulus opened his mouth, looking like a fish for a moment. “Don’t you dare call Kreacher a rag! And he doesn’t hunt your birds - they’re wild birds - you don’t own them!”

“Might be so, but they’re in my garden and I feed them, so it _is_ my business when your bloody cat chases them so I get feathers all over the place! So keep your rag at home and I will keep Moony home as well. Now hand him over!” Remus hated to sound mean but the few months he had lived here, Black had been a constant pain in the backside.

“Next time I might drop him off at the pound instead,” said Regulus and finally handed over the dog who yapped in happiness and licked his owner’s face.

“Thank you!” Remus said and slammed the door. He sighed and put the dog on the floor, patting its head. “Try to stay home, Moony, will you?”

Regulus marched back to his own house, slamming the front door although Lupin was back inside and could neither see nor hear it. He muttered under his breath as he pulled off his jeans and shirt to put them in the washer, cursing the day Lupin had bought the house next door. Before, an old lady had lived there, who was quiet and rarely came outside. She had even had a gardener attend to her garden, so everything looked neat. Regulus wished she hadn’t died so the house had to be sold.

**o0o0o**

“So have you settled down nicely?” Lily smiled as she sipped her red wine, sitting on a chair, watching her best friend cook.

“I have, and I like it here. Except for my neighbour, who won’t get off my back,” Remus sighed.

“Still?” Lily said and put her glass down. “Why doesn’t he just leave you alone, already? I mean, you and Moony are hardly being nuisance.” She looked at the dog, which had settled in its dog bed near the fireplace.

“Well... Moony has broken into his garden a few times,” Remus admitted. “You know how good he is at finding loopholes, and for some reason he thinks Black’s lawn is a better playground than mine.”

“Maybe you should put up a fence at the bottom of the hedge?” Lily suggested.

“I have, but he just digs under it,” Remus sighed. “And Black keeps blowing up in my face even though his cat keeps jumping into my garden as well. How’s that fair?”

“Oh, he has a cat? Well, I suppose you’re both a fault here, aren’t you?” she said, a knowing smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“I guess,” Remus nodded and added a few spices to the food. “But I have to tell you: he’s bloody sexy. Too bad he’s such a wanker.”

“Well, perhaps all he needs is a good lay,” Lily winked.

“Yeah, perhaps,” Remus laughed. He smiled at his friend and leaned in over the counter. “How was your date with that bloke the other day? James, was it?”

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes. “Big-headed and bragging but very charming at the same time. And I think he has a good heart underneath. I can’t decide if I want to see him again or not.”

“Give the bloke a chance,” Remus said. “He’s been asking you out for months so maybe he was just a little overexcited when he finally got his little fantasy fulfilled. Well, part of it at least,” he laughed.

At ten o’clock someone hammered at the door. They didn’t notice at first, because they were listening to rather loud music, dancing and laughing. Lily turned down the music while Remus opened the door, slightly out of breath. 

Outside stood a very sour-faced Regulus Black. “I’m sorry - is this the Glastonbury festival? I _thought_ it was a peaceful residential area but I must admit that the sound level has me confused.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Remus said with an irritated voice. “I’m sorry you don’t know what a fun time looks like. It’s Saturday evening and you’re the only one complaining! Why don’t you go out and get laid or something, ‘cause you clearly need to let off some steam!”

“What? How do you know I don’t get laid plenty? And by the way - that’s none of your business! Oh, and please tell me you two aren’t gonna start shagging loudly in a bit!”

“If you were getting any, I would be able to hear it, since apparently the walls are paper thin here,” Remus said. “And not that it’s any of your business, but she’s missing a few bits for me to want her in that way.”

“Wha...?” Regulus blushed when he understood what Lupin meant. “I’m not interested in your sexuality! In fact, I’m not interested in you at all!” He looked down at the small dog jumping up and down at Remus’ feet, clearly excited at the prospect of getting another guest. “If he wasn’t such a drag I would feel sorry for him - his ear drums must be close to blowing. You know dogs have a much better hearing than humans, yeah?”

“At least I don’t bore him to death like you probably do with your rag.”

Regulus’ hands balled into fists at his side. “Stop calling Kreacher a rag!”

“Sorry. It’s just that it’s so ugly I keep forgetting it’s actually a cat…”

“Oh, fuck off,” said Regulus and finally decided to go back home. 

Remus huffed and turned the music back on, although at a slightly lower volume, before sitting down across from Lily. Noticing that she was staring at him, he tilted his head and asked what was the matter. 

“Blimey, Remus. I’ve never seen you like that! Honestly, I didn’t even think you _possessed_ a temper and could have such a foul mouth.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair before scratching Moony behind his ear as it settled at his feet. “He just makes me so frustrated. You see I can’t even enjoy an evening with music and laughter before he’s on my doorstep.”

“Well, we _were_ a bit loud. But, blimey, is he obnoxious!”

**o0o0o**

The sound of a screeching cat caught Regulus’ ear and he rushed to the window. There, he saw Kreacher coming racing down his blasted neighbour’s driveway, his neighbour’s blasted dog on his tail. Cursing, Regulus hurried out the door to come to his pet’s rescue. “Kreacher, come here!” he yelled. But the cat decided to escape the terrier-mix by scurrying up a tree on the side of the street. 

Regulus stood under the tree, calling for his cat to come down, but obviously Kreacher wasn’t going anywhere near the ground, with the barking, jumping dog at the foot of the tree. 

Remus came out of his house, having heard the ruckus. He stood a bit back, watching his neighbour jump up and down in an attempt to reach his cat, deciding after a minute or so to call his dog. 

Regulus turned to see him, glaring glowing hot daggers at him. “Put that bloody mongrel away and come and help me get Kreacher down!”

“Why?” Remus shrugged. “It’s not my rag.”

“HE CHASED KREACHER!” Regulus yelled, pointing at the terrier. “He had to climb up there to save his life!”

“I doubt he was in any real danger,” Remus said. “And he was in my garden so Moony had the right to chase him out. But I’ll take my dog with me now so maybe the rag dares come down in a couple of hours.”

“Come back here and help me!” demanded Regulus when Remus walked away with Moony. “And bring a ladder!”

“I don’t have time,” Remus said. “I have laundry and then I’ll go watch the grass grow.” He kept walking, not even looking over his shoulder at his frustrated neighbour.

**o0o0o**

Regulus was fuming when he, hours later, could finally go back inside with his cat, in the end succeeding with help from his neighbour on the opposite side of his street. He spent most of the evening thinking about how to get back at Lupin, because he was not going to get away with this one. One thing was that his dog had chased his cat (at least that wasn’t something Lupin had made it do) but his refusal to help get Kreacher down was completely unacceptable. He considered actually dropping Moony off at the RSPCA the next time he caught him - then Lupin could go through the scare and embarrassment of having to go pick him up when they found him, but he decided against it out of fear that Lupin would do the same with Kreacher. 

The perfect opportunity offered itself early the next morning. There was a knock on the door, and outside stood a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Regulus was about to tear them a new one, asking what they thought they were doing, waking people up on a Sunday morning to stuff their blasted religion down their throats; but then he got an idea. “Sorry, I’m a devout catholic, so you are wasting your time here, but my neighbour might be open to it. He recently experienced a great loss in the family, and I think he’s still in mourning, having trouble with coping. He’s quite shy and not very good at asking for or accepting help, so you might have to push him a bit.”

The two looked at Regulus with a strange mix of sorrow and eagerness on their faces when learning that someone was in need of spiritual guidance. So they thanked him and promised to help his neighbour.

**o0o0o**

The doorbell rang several times before a tired Remus opened his front door. To his dismay he found two Jehovah’s witnesses standing outside on his porch. 

“Good morning, my child,” said the oldest of the two men. “We are here to offer comfort and guidance. May we come in?”

“Um,” Remus started and scratched his hair, still hiding halfway behind the door. “I’m not really decent right now. May I ask to what I owe the pleasure?”

“We are here to talk about our lord and saviour,” the younger man said with a smile. “We understand you are in need of guidance. We are so sorry about your loss.”

“My loss?” Remus asked, confused.

“We all experience grief some time in our life but with the Lord’s guidance and comfort the pain can be eased and you can find peace instead of despair. We are here as his shepherds, helping stray sheep into the flock, safe from the wolves.”

“I’m not a stray sheep. And what do you mean, grief? Listen, it’s nice of you to offer me support but really, I’m fine,” Remus smiled.

“We all need help and support, there is no shame in that and it is not a sigh of weakness - on the contrary: an intelligent and courageous man knows his limits and is not afraid to reach out to God for help.”

“We understand that you are shy and find it hard to let people in,” said the other man, “but you need not take a lot of initiative - just allow us to help and we will guide you. The whole flock - and we are many - will welcome you into the family and take good care of you. People like you will find that everything becomes much easier when just they dare take the first step and allow others to help them.”

“No... I’m good, really,” Remus said. “I respect your beliefs, but I am not religious and not interested.”

Regulus stood watching from his open doorway, enjoying every second. It was too far away for him to make out what they were saying, but Lupin’s body language and expressions spoke their clear language of how uncomfortable he was and how he was trying to get them to leave.

It took the best of fifteen minutes until the missionaries finally gave up and left. Just as Remus was about to close the door he spotted Regulus standing in his doorway, arms folded and a large grin on his face. Remus gritted his teeth, glaring at the younger man. Oh, he was going to get some sort of payback. And soon.

**o0o0o**

Regulus enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, the look on Lupin’s face when he spotted him still fresh in his mind. Around 5 o’clock he went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea and noticed his neighbour and dog on the pavement in front of his house. No, the dog was on his lawn. Pooping.

Remus pulled out a bag to pick up after Moony, but then pondered for a moment before putting the bag back in his pocket. Remus always, _always_ , cleaned up after his dog, but there was a first time for everything, wasn’t there?

Regulus clenched his teeth and tightened his fists, intending to rush out the door and give Lupin a good dressing down. But then he thought better of it. No, a more creative revenge was better. He suspected that Lupin almost enjoyed the direct confrontations, so he was going to go another way this time.

**o0o0o**

A few days passed and everything seemed to have settled down. Remus hadn’t had any run-ins with Regulus and it felt good to have a bit of peace and quiet. That was until Remus’ phone rang. And rang. And rang. Every time he picked up, someone was asking about his car and if it had been sold yet and how come it was so cheap? After the fifth person had called, Remus suspected that his dear neighbour might know what this was about. Irritated, he walked over and knocked on Regulus’ door. When opened, Remus didn’t even give him a chance to say a word. “Did you put my car up for sale?”

“Did I what?” asked Regulus, putting a hand to his chest and looking so exaggeratedly surprised that it was clear that he was guilty and not trying to hide it. “I have nothing to do with that, but I do think it’s a good idea to get rid of that piece of shite.”

Remus clenched his fists. “Take the bloody ad down!”

“I can’t, even if I wanted to. It’s in a printed paper. But I’m sure people will stop noticing it soon. Not many keep their papers lying around. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do,” he finished and closed the door in Remus’ face.

Remus stared at the closed door for a minute before heading back to his house, pondering all the while how to get back at Black for this one. Were things getting out of hand? No. Black was asking for it and Remus had become good and proper annoyed by the many phone calls. He just had to come up with a fitting pay-back.

Remus poured himself a cup of coffee and settled on the settee, zapping lazily through the channels on the telly. He stopped when stumbling upon a documentary about male strippers, a wide smile spreading on his lips. Black had made an ad for Remus’ car, so wasn’t it only fair to give him a taste of his own medicine? Remus logged onto the internet, found a local gay site and composed a stripper ad, describing his obnoxious neighbour as young, slender, beautiful and sexy (which was, in fact, all true, Remus had to admit.) He wrote that Regulus didn’t wish to be contacted by phone but rather personally at his address. He added the address, which interested people had to pay a fee to see. Even though he was rather angry at his neighbour, he didn’t want to flaunt Black’s address for everyone to see. Remus wasn’t _that_ mean. 

**o0o0o**

The doorbell rang and Regulus got up from his chair in the kitchen. He was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a blue button-up shirt, the two top buttons undone. 

On the doorstep stood two middle-aged men. They both looked him up and down and grinned. “Blimey - you weren’t lying,” said one. 

Regulus raised his eyebrows. “Of course, I wasn’t lying. I’m not a liar. What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well,” one started with a flirtatious smile. “We would like to hire you to strip at our event next weekend. If you move as well as you look, all the lads are gonna love it!”

“ _What?_ ” said Regulus, incredulous. “ _Strip_ for you? Are you mental?”

“Eh…” The two men looked utterly perplexed. One of the men looked at the house number. “It’s the right address, as stated in the ad.”

“The ad? What the fuck? Is this a joke? Have you been stalking me or something?”

The men exchanged puzzled looks before one took out his phone and showed the display to Regulus. 

Regulus stared at the ad on the display. Then he looked up at the man. “I have not made that! Someone must be playing a prank! Do I look like a stripper to you?”

“Well,” he said, clearly considering his answer carefully. “You do have the looks for it….”

Regulus felt his face go red “OUT!” he said, pointing to the street. “Fuck off and don’t come back!”

When they had left, Regulus found the ad on his own mobile and marched over to hammer on Lupin’s door. When it was opened, he shoved the mobile up in Lupin’s face. “YOU DID THIS! I KNOW IT!”

Remus looked at it for a second and then at Regulus. “Congratulations on your new job. I always knew you were a kinky bastard underneath that prudish exterior.”

“Fuck off! You’ve crossed the line now, Lupin! This is your payback for the ad I put in last week, yeah? Well - this is much worse! I sold your wreck of a car - you sold my body!”

“Woah,” Remus said. “ _If_ I were the one who did this, I technically only sold a dance or two. I didn’t sell you for a sleepover.”

“Yeah? That’ll be your next trick, yeah? Advertising me as a prostitute!”

“Relax,” Remus said. “I’m not that cruel.”

“Really?” said Regulus, folding his arms. “I’m not so sure anymore of just what you’re willing to do. You’re a nutter and I hate you!” he finished and marched back to his own house.

Remus kept an eye on his neighbour’s house the rest of the day. He spotted three more people arriving but they all stopped at the door and then went back to their cars. The next morning he saw one more. What had Black done to send them off so quickly? Curious, he decided to take Moony for a walk in the direction where he would pass Black’s house. Once in front of the house he saw that a note had been stuck to the door. Checking that the windows were empty, he snuck a bit up the path so he could get close enough to read the note. It read:

FAKE ADVERTISEMENT! FUCK OFF!!

Remus chuckled to himself. What had he expected it so say? _I’m not a stripper!_? No, his neighbour wasn’t about to announce that to the whole neighbourhood.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 -** **Kreacher Sends His Regards**

Remus took his usual afternoon walk around the neighbourhood, the happy terrier jumping and wagging his tail as they went. Turning down their street on the way back Remus saw Regulus using a leaf blower to clear the pavement in front of his house. 

Due to the noise from the machine Regulus hadn’t heard his neighbour until he was close behind him. He jumped in surprise and turned to face him. “What are you doing here?” he snapped, not bothering to turn his gardening tool off.

“I’m walking my dog if that’s okay with you,” Remus shouted so he could be heard over the leaf blower. He noticed a bruise on his neighbour’s arm. “What happened? Did you fall off the pole at work?”

“Wha...” Regulus was confused for a second, then looked at his wrist and caught on. “Fuck off, Lupin! I’ll give you pole, you twat!”

“Thanks for the offer, but if it were you and me I think I’d be the one giving _you_ pole,” Remus winked. 

Regulus’ jaw dropped. Unable to come up with a suiting reply, he pointed the leaf blower right at Remus’ face.

Shocked, Remus threw up an arm and turned around to shield his face from the very uncomfortable air. He coughed a few times from the dust and then hurried away, pulling his dog with him. On his own doorstep he called out to Regulus, “Thanks for the blow!”

**o0o0o**

“And then he had the nerve to ask me if I’d fallen off the pole!” Regulus said before taking short a break from his angry rant about his neighbour in order to poor himself another glass of wine. 

Sirius sat across from him, sipping a cold Carlsberg and listing to his brother complain about his neighbour once again. He put the bottle down and sighed. “Why don’t you just shag him, Reggie? It’s clear that you want to.”

Regulus’ mouth fell open, making him look like a goldfish. “I don’t want to shag him!” he finally said. 

“Right. If you didn’t want to shag him then you wouldn’t be so obsessed with him. He’s all you can talk about.”

“I don’t want to shag him!” Regulus repeated. “I think he wants to shag me, though,” he said in a calmer tone. “Why else would he make a point of telling me he’s gay?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius shrugged. “Maybe because you asked if you had to worry about being kept awake all night due to him and his lady friend getting it on?” 

“He could have just said ‘we’re just friends’ or something.”

“Well… perhaps he _does_ want to shag you.”

“Well, he can think again. I’d shag half of England before I shagged him!”

“If you say so,” Sirius said and finished his beer. “Blimey, I would’ve liked to see your face when those first blokes came to your door asking you to strip for them!” he chuckled. “Was a brilliant prank – you have to give him that.”

**o0o0o**

It was a warm autumn evening and Regulus was in the front garden pruning his petunias when he noticed Lupin standing on the front porch with a young man. Regulus hadn’t seen him before and wondered if he was a friend or perhaps family. No, definitely not family - because now they were kissing! Suddenly afraid someone would catch him staring, he tore his eyes off them and went back to his pruning, muttering to himself about having the nerve to snog like that where everybody could see them. Before he knew it, he was looking again, and now the kissing had become more heated and there was a bit of touching too. 

Very irritated, he went over and trampled up the porch steps. “Would you stop ravaging each other out here for the whole neighbourhood to see?”

They broke the kiss and Remus turned towards Regulus with a soft smile. “Why? Afraid you’ll enjoy looking at it too much? You don’t have to feel left out – I think we could be talked into a threesome.”

“What? In your dreams, Lupin! I would rather have a threesome with your furniture!”

“We could do it _on_ my furniture,” Remus smirked.

Running his eyes appreciatively up and down Regulus, the other man looked like he thought a threesome was a quite good idea.

“Keep your dirty fantasies to yourself! And go inside and do that shite in private! It’s indecent exposure what you’re doing!”

“Says you, being a stripper and all,” Remus said.

“Will you stop it with that? I’m not a stripper!” Regulus looked at Remus’ guest. “I’m not a stripper,” he repeated.

“He is,” Remus snickered and fished out his phone to show the ad that he still hadn’t taken down.

This only heightened the other man’s interest. He raised his eyebrows and looked from the ad to Regulus. “Looks about right. Although it’s a bit conceited calling oneself beautiful...”

“I didn’t! Because I didn’t write that bleeding ad! And you better take it down or I’ll post another ad on your behalf and this time it won’t be about your car!” said Regulus to Remus. Then he went home and inside, forgetting all about his petunias.

**o0o0o**

Remus woke the next morning with a feeling of guilt; a feeling that hadn’t been a stranger to him lately, and even though he kept telling himself that Black deserved everything he got, Remus couldn’t help feeling a little bad once in a while. He reached over and fumbled for his phone and finally deleting the stripper ad. After that, he put the phone back on the nightstand and snuggled back up to the warm body next to him.

**o0o0o**

Nothing happened for a whole week and Regulus started to think that Lupin had finally given in and decided to act like a grown-up. About time, Regulus thought. Even the dog hadn’t caused any trouble lately, apart from some barking in the garden, but Lupin had called him in rather quickly. 

The truce, however, was broken a few days later when there was a loud knocking on the door. Regulus found an angry Lupin on the doorstep, holding up a white sheet, dirty and with tears in it.

“Kreacher sends his regards!” Remus barked and held the sheet up towards Regulus’ face.

Regulus eyed the sheet, unimpressed. “That could just as easily have been Moony. In fact, it probably is. That looks more like bitemarks than claws.”

“This is not a dog!” Remus spat. “How can you even suggest that?”

“How can I suggest that? Because there’s a dog running around your garden all the time and it likes to make trouble! Although, granted, it prefers making trouble for me, not you.”

“A _cat_ did this!” Remus said and spread out the sheet for Regulus to clearly see how thin, sharp claws had shredded the fabric.

“Innocent until proven guilty,” declared Regulus. “You’re always so quick to accuse - Kreacher has done this and Kreacher has done that. Killed your birds, scratched the bark off the trunks of your precious fruit trees, etc., etc. You just hate cats and especially mine.”

“I don’t hate cats! But your cat hates me and so do you!” Remus threw the sheet on the doorstep and left.

**o0o0o**

Kreacher never strayed far from home. In fact, he always stayed within hearing range of his human. His human, who always provided safety, plenty of food and love - all of them things Kreacher had barely known before being picked up at the shelter when he was little. So although he was allowed all the freedom he wanted, he always stayed close to his human, who had a lovely house and garden too. Kreacher liked both. He also liked the garden next door - almost more than his own garden. Granted, it wasn’t quite as safe as his own (because of the little noisy monster) but it was more exciting, and so far Kreacher had been both too smart and fast to get caught by the little monster. 

There were many reasons Kreacher liked the little monster’s garden so much. Firstly, there were many birds in the garden - many more than in Kreacher’s own. They were always flying around and sitting at the feeding post, eating grain and whatever else birds thought was good food. Once in a while Kreacher got lucky catching one. The little monster never caught any, although it clearly wanted to; but it was too stupid, having no idea of the necessity of stalking prey and lying in wait. It just charged head on and stood barking at the birds as if it thought that would make them come down to it. The little monster’s human often hung out cloth-toys on lines. Mostly they were out of reach, but sometimes they were hanging so low that Kreacher could reach them. And one of Kreacher’s absolute favourite parts of the garden was the fruit trees, which provided the best scratching surface in the vicinity. Certainly better than the trees in his own garden and the large scratching post his human had put up for him in the house. Kreacher enjoyed the way the bark peeled off when he really dug into it.

The human wasn’t so bad. Although Kreacher had a deep suspicion in general of other humans than his own, the human next door wasn’t that scary. Sure, he would yell at Kreacher and shoo him away, but he also tried to protect him from the little monster who lived with him when it tried to catch Kreacher. And Kreacher had a feeling the human wasn’t someone who would truly hurt a cat. Which was also why Kreacher got so shocked at what happened that sunny afternoon...

Remus was tending to his garden, watering the flowers with a garden hose and humming a tune to himself. Even though it was mid-autumn, the weather was rather warm and some of his flowers were still standing tall. Suddenly a sound caught his ear and he turned his head to spot the neighbour’s cat scratching its claws on his best pear tree. Without thinking, Remus aimed the hose at the feline and gave it a heavy shower, getting a short sense of satisfaction before regretting being so cruel to the poor animal. 

Kreacher screeched in horror and flew over the fence to his own garden.

A minute later the head of a very angry Regulus appeared over the fence. “DID YOU SPRAY WATER ON KREACHER?” It was more of a statement than a question. 

“There was a flower next to him,” Remus said. “Anyhow, he has no business in here, destroying my fruit trees.”

“You did it on purpose!” Regulus was fuming. “He doesn’t understand that he’s harming your bloody trees! And frankly, I don’t really see the big deal - they’re fine and alive, aren’t they? As if Kreacher were a beaver! Besides - he has the right to be anywhere he wants. Cats are free animals, and the notion of land ownership doesn’t apply to them.”

“Oh? Why can’t Moony be in your garden, then, if Kreacher is allowed in mine?”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Moony is a dog! Human laws apply to them, but not cats. Have you ever heard of a cat leash law, for instance? And there’s a reason why: cats don’t harm other people or their properly like dogs do. And cats aren’t dangerous like dogs can be.”

“Oh, fuck off!” Remus spat.

“Out of smart replies, Lupin? Can’t think of a better comeback? What - did that bloke the other night screw your brains out? What was left of it, anyway…”

Remus’ mouth turned into a thin line before he raised the hose and sprayed Regulus in the face. 

Regulus emitted a very unmanly scream and jumped a few steps back, then tried to wipe the water from his face and looked down at his clothes. “Look what you did!” he yelled at the very smug-looking man on the other side of the fence. “I’m soaked!”

“That should cool you down. You’re an arse and not one I’d ever want to shag, so keep your nose out of who screws my brains out!”

**o0o0o**

Regulus was pondering over how to get back at Lupin, not only for the spraying him and Kreacher but also for the stripper ad. That one had been so vicious that the thing with the leaf blower wasn’t anywhere near enough. While drinking a cup of his favourite tea he suddenly spotted Lupin’s blasted mutt in his garden - yet again. Digging in his well-kept lawn! Livid, he stormed out to catch the dog. This time it was easy, because the terrier-mix was so preoccupied with expanding the already big hole. Marching over to Lupin with Moony in his arms, he suddenly stopped, seeing the man in the middle of constructing a raised flowerbed, a large box sitting next to it with a load of flowers ready to be planted. On his way over there, Regulus had decided to dig a large hole at night in Remus’ lawn as a payback for what Moony had just done, but seeing the man digging the raised flowerbed gave Regulus a much better idea for revenge. One that was mean enough to pay for the stripper ad as well as both the terrier’s digging _and_ the water-spraying.

When he called Lupin over to come and get his bloody weasel, he just growled, “next time he gets into my garden to destroy it I’m turning him into a steak-and-kidney pie.”

**o0o0o**

Regulus waited a few days in the hope that with the extra time Lupin would not immediately realise that what was about to happen was Regulus’ revenge. Wednesday after work Regulus picked up his mobile and called the police. “Hello? I would like to report... well, perhaps not report, exactly, but tell you about something suspicious.”

“What do you find suspicious, sir?” the operator at the other end asked.

“It’s just... I really don’t know if there’s anything to it, but I feel it’s my duty as a citizen to report this. It’s my neighbour. The other night - I mean in the _middle_ of the night - I saw him digging a big hole in his garden. The next morning, he was in a hurry to build a raised flowerbed on top of the large hole, and when I showed interest in his fine new flowerbed he suddenly got aggressive and wouldn’t let me in to see it. I just think it’s strange behaviour, also that he digs that hole in the middle of the night, only lit by moonlight.”

He could hear tapping (no doubt from keyboard-typing) and the operator hummed as if letting Regulus know that he had heard what he said. “Alright sir, we will send someone out to check out the situation.”  

**o0o0o**

An hour later two police cars pulled up in front of Remus’ house. Three officers went straight around to the back garden with shovels while two more went to knock on the door.

Remus opened, surprised to see the two uniform-clad men. “What can I do for you, sirs?” he asked.

“Hello,” said one of the officers. “We have a warrant to search your back garden.” He held up a piece of paper in front of Remus.

“Why?” asked Remus, staring at the document.

“We have reason to believe that something might be buried there.”

“What?” Remus gasped.  

“You have just dug a new flowerbed, isn’t that correct?”

“Um... yes,” said Remus, confused.

“Well, we are going to dig it up - in fact our colleagues have already begun. So, Mr. Lupin - is there anything you would like to tell us? If you have something to hide, we are going to find it in a bit, so you might as well come clean.”

“What? No, I don’t have anything to hide! I did just make a flowerbed, but...” Remus was still very confused and also quite upset by now. What did they think he had to hide?

The officer nodded but still looked suspicious. They went around to the back garden, Remus following to see what was happening.

“How does it look?” asked the officer who had questioned Remus. “Could there be a body there?”

“It’s a bit short, said one of the diggers. “But if it was chopped up, it could be.”

“ _What?_ ” Remus exclaimed again. “I didn’t kill anyone!”

“Perhaps you could tell us why you were digging in the middle of the night? With no light? You have to admit that is quite suspicious.”

“I didn’t! I made this flowerbed in the middle of the day. You can ask my neighbours!” Remus said in a frustrated tone but then stopped. “Wait... did one of my neighbours call this in?”

“I cannot tell you who, but yes, someone called to report seeing you dig in the night and acting suspiciously.”

They were now nearly a meter down and one of the diggers said, “I doubt there’s anything here, because the soil doesn’t look like it has been touched with a spade recently, but perhaps we should go a bit farther, just to make sure?”

The officer in charge sighed and nodded. “Just to be sure.”

Remus tried to stay calm but on the inside he was boiling. He knew exactly who had called this in and now the whole neighbourhood might think he was a criminal since people had without a doubt seen the police cars out front. This had gone too far. Way too far.

“Do you have any idea who might have called? You look as if something just dawned on you.”

“I have a pretty good idea,” Remus nodded. “I have an ongoing issue with one of my neighbours so I think it might be him.”

The officer nodded slowly, knowingly. “Lads - stop digging. I think what we have here is a neighbour conflict.”

The officers in the hole swore and climbed out.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” the leading officer said to Remus, “but I’m sure you understand that we have to take an allegation like this seriously.”

“Yes of course,” said Remus, relieved but still rather upset.

When the police had left, Remus walked over to the house next door and knocked so hard one would think he was trying to break down the door. Unfortunately, no one opened, so either Black wasn’t home or he was hiding. Most likely not home, because Remus had never known him to shy away from conflict. Remus went home, of course intending to come back later.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 -** **Did You just Call Me a Slag?**

The police had called Regulus, asking him to come down to the station instead of talking to him at his house. They didn’t want to knock on his door, proving to Remus and the other neighbours that he was the tattle-tale.

“We have spoken with your neighbour and also dug up his flower bed where we found absolutely nothing. He says that he did not dig the flower bed at night and his other neighbours confirm this. So I’m confused as to why you would claim that he did?”

“I did see him out there at night,” Regulus maintained. “The other neighbours would be sleeping, yeah? So of course they didn’t see. Besides, the only other neighbour who has a direct view of Lupin’s back garden is the one on his other side, and he’s a senile old man, so how reliable could his statement be? And why would I lie about this, anyway?”

“Mr. Lupin claims the two of you have an ongoing conflict.”

“Yes, I admit that,” sighed Regulus. “And I also admit that it might have influenced my decision to call you, because my experience with him is that he’s unstable and aggressive. Which is why I got suspicious, and I thought I would call it in just to be safe. Believe me when I tell you: that’s all there is to it and it was not some sort of prank. I would never bother the police for that.”

The police officer sighed as he took notes. “Well, of course it’s always better to be safe than sorry, but I suggest that the two of you either work it out or just stay away from each other. I’ve seen my share of neighbour conflicts and I’d rather I didn’t have to come and throw one of you in jail, or worse... call the morgue.”

“Yes, of course, officer,” said Regulus, relieved that they let him go with just a warning.

**o0o0o**

Regulus was surprised to see his brother and friend Peter waiting for him in front of the house as he pulled into the driveway. 

“Where’ve you been?” demanded Sirius.

“Police station,” mumbled Regulus and explained what had happened while he unlocked the door and they went in. “And don’t you give me a hard time - he had it coming after trying to rent me out as a stripper!”

Sirius shook his head and chuckled. “Alright, I won’t judge you, but I am a bit worried for my little brother, you know. Seems this is escalating. What’s next?”

“He better not try to outdo me on this one,” mumbled Regulus “Or he’ll be sorry. What are you doing here, anyway?”

“You invited us for dinner.”

“Bloody hell! I forgot that.”

“So you haven’t cooked?” asked Peter, sounding disappointed. Regulus was a quite accomplished cook.

“That’s alright,” said Sirius, fishing out his phone from his pocket. “We’ll just call for a pizza.”

Just fifteen minutes later there was a hammering on the door. “That was quick,” Sirius said. “And that bloke sure is eager to get those pizzas off his hands!” 

The person at the door was, of course, not the pizza man but an enraged Remus who had noticed that Regulus’ car was back. “You called the police on me! Do you know what people think of me now?”

“Do you know what people think of man after man coming to my doorstep?” Regulus countered. 

Before Regulus could react and stop him, Remus stepped into the house and closed the front door behind him. He didn’t need any more displays for the other neighbours. “The neighbours didn’t know what those men were doing here!” he yelled. “They could’ve just been friends of yours! It’s not like I plastered a big neon sign on your roof saying: Boy for sale! A police car isn’t exactly something people can mistake!”

“I never get that many guests calling on me!” replied Regulus. “And how do you think it feels having loads of strangers eye-fucking me? It made me feel like a slag!”

“I thought you knew that feeling already.”

Regulus’ mouth fell open in shock. “Did you just call me a slag? I’m not the one who drags random blokes home and practically shag them on the veranda!”

Their faces were now only about 10 inches from each other, none of them realising who had stepped forward but none of them wanting to back off and show submission either. 

“Why do you even care?” Remus spat. “It’s not like I’m forcing you to watch! You stick your nose into my business like a tracker dog! No one else is bothered by me kissing dates in front of my house. Miss Anderson across the street was sitting on her veranda the other night kissing her boyfriend, so why the bloody hell didn’t you go yell at _her_ or call the coppers on her too?”

“Because she never bothered me or behaved like a lunatic! And she doesn’t let her dog dig up my garden and chase my cat!”

Peter and Sirius were standing on the side-line, gawking at the two. “Bloody hell,” said Peter to Sirius. “The sexual tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife!”

Sirius flashed his friend a grin. “Told you, didn’t I?” He turned his head again towards the two who were trying to stare each other down. “Hi,” he said, taking a step forward to break the tension. “I’m Sirius, Regulus’ sociable brother,” he said, offering Remus his hand.

Remus looked at him, thrown off for a moment, but then (being the polite person that he usually was) shook Sirius’ hand. “I’m Remus, Regulus’ apparently mental neighbour.”

It didn’t escape Regulus’ attention how Remus’ gaze quickly travelled up and down his brother. “I think it’s time to leave,” he said and opened the door, proceeding to push his neighbour out. “I don’t remember even inviting you in!” Then he smacked the door in Remus’ face.

**o0o0o**

When Sirius and Peter had left, Regulus went over to his neighbour and pounded on the door. As soon as it was opened he pushed his way inside and closed the door behind him (just like Remus had done at his house earlier). “What do you think you’re doing?” he said, giving Remus a heated stare. “Stop staring at my brother! It was making him uncomfortable! Besides, he’s not interested in you.”

“I’m not even allowed to look at people? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to shag every bloke in town!”

“You wanted him. But as I said: he’s not interested!”

Remus took a step closer and smirked at Regulus. “He might not be - but you are.”

Regulus’ mouth fell open as he stared back. “I... I’m not!”

“Right,” Remus said. “You’re jealous and you can’t keep your eyes off me.” The smirk got wider as Regulus’ face got redder.

Regulus gulped and gave Remus a push. Remus took a few steps back but the smirk didn’t leave his lips. Regulus pushed him again, harder this time, so Remus’ back hit the wall. “I said I don’t want you!” Regulus growled. Then without thinking, he grabbed Remus shirt and kissed him aggressively. Then he pulled back. “Is this what you wanted? All the times you’ve been staring at me?”

Remus eyed him challengingly and licked his lip. “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind that. I’m sure you’d feel really good naked against me.” Regulus stared at his lips and attacked his mouth again. Remus took this as an invitation, grabbing Regulus and spinning him, reversing their positions. He pressed him against the wall, returning the kiss just as aggressively and took Regulus’ hands, pinning them over his head. The lack of resistance confirmed Remus’ assumption that the boy was just as much into this as he was. After a bit, he moved down Regulus’ neck, licking, nipping and sucking bruises onto it.

Regulus moaned and pushed his hips forward, grinding into Remus. “You wanted to shag me from the moment you saw me, you dirty slag.”

“Don’t tell me _you_ didn’t,” Remus mumbled into his neck. He mouthed at his neck and finally let go of his hands, grabbing his arse to pull his lower half harder against himself. “I can feel how much you want me.”

“If I let you shag me will you get off my back after?” Regulus asked, grinding into Remus enthusiastically.

“Sure, but I bet you’ll be coming back for more,” Remus smirked and pulled one of Regulus’ legs up so he could get even closer. He wished he had lube and condoms downstairs, thinking he could have done him right here.

“I won’t! All I ever wanted was for you to stay off my back! Well, are you going to show me your bedroom or am I not worth that much courtesy?”

“I will, and I’ll make you scream for more,” Remus promised and hoisted Regulus up so the younger man could wrap his legs around his waist and let himself be carried up the stairs. When they got to the bedroom Remus dropped him on the bed and crawled in over him, catching his mouth in a heated kiss before he could start talking again. He talked way too much in Remus’ opinion.

Regulus started tearing off Remus’ T-shirt, not caring if he ruined it in the process - in fact _hoping_ he would ruin it in the process.

Feeling the aggressiveness Remus pulled at Regulus’ shirt in return, breaking the kiss just barely. “You better shed your clothes if you don’t want me ripping them open and you’ll have to walk home half naked for everyone to see.”

Regulus pushed him off and sat up to quickly take off his clothes - not because Remus told him to, mind you, but because he wanted to get down to business so he could go home. “Well, get on with it!” he said. “Get stuff, ‘cause I’m not gonna let you shag me dry. I want to be able to walk tomorrow,” he said, shimmying out his jeans. “Unless, of course, you’re so small I can barely feel it.”

“You won’t be able to walk even though I lube you up nicely,” Remus said, quickly shedding his own clothes and went to get the lube in a drawer along with a condom.

Regulus made sure to get a good view of his whole body.  “Hmm... I’ve seen better,” he said, sounding unimpressed.

“Yeah, I had also hoped for something more impressive. You need to hit the gym,” Remus teased before crawling in over him, kissing his chest and licking a nipple, one hand moving between his legs. 

“Yeah, right. If you wanted a muscle man you wouldn’t have been gawking so much and imagining me as a stripper,” said Remus and moaned at the intrusion. 

Remus moved further down as he added another finger. Before Regulus could complain even further, Remus took a hold on the growing length and let it slip into his mouth while still working his fingers.

“F... fuck,” Regulus gasped, raising his hips. “Get on with it!” he ordered s bit later. “I want you... to shag me good. Make up for all that trouble you’ve caused me.”

Remus huffed before finally letting go of him and turning him over into his stomach. He rolled on a condom and positioned himself, pulling Regulus up into his knees. “Let’s see how you handle the apology you seem to think I owe you.” 

Regulus didn’t let out a sound when Remus entered him quite roughly, although it did hurt some. “I can hardly feel it,” he complained when he had become used to the feeling. “I think I might fall asleep here.”

“Then I’ll just enjoy myself,” Remus said and held onto the younger man’s hips while picking up the pace. He could hear that Regulus tried to hold back moans by biting into the duvet, and Remus took this as a challenge. He pushed him a bit down so Remus could angle himself just right in a hope to find the right spot. 

“Oh, fuck!” exclaimed Regulus, eagerly pushing back to meet Remus. “Right there! M-more... give me more!”

Remus slammed into him, making him moan loudly. Sweat was dripping from Remus’ forehead landing on his shoulders and upper body. “God, you feel good!” he panted, going harder and faster, driven by pleasure and anger.

Resting on his elbows, Regulus held on to the slats of the headboard for dear life. “Touch me - please! I need it. I’m close,” he gasped, unable to do it himself without losing balance.

Remus reached around, grabbing his length and started pumping while still trying to keep up the punishing rhythm. He pushed him a little further towards the headboard so Regulus came up into a bit more of an upright position. “Kiss me,” he ordered and Regulus turned his head, kissing him rather sloppy as they moaned into each other’s mouths. 

Regulus was beyond offending Remus, because it felt too good and he couldn’t form any coherent thoughts, let alone sentences. Instead he just panted, moaned and begged for “more” and “harder” and “faster”, although he could barely keep up as it was.

Remus felt himself rush head-on towards climax, but he didn’t want to leave Regulus behind so that he could call him a bad or selfish lover, so he pumped faster and thrust harder, growling filthy things into his ear, hoping to send him over the edge before himself. 

It worked according to plan as Regulus, moment later, buried his face in the pillow, screaming into it as he came violently.

Remus followed soon after with a few final thrusts, and slumped onto Regulus’ back as he tried to catch his breath. Finally, he pulled out and both of them collapsed on the bed, Remus on his back, Regulus on his stomach. 

Regulus rolled around after having regained a steady breathing, lying on his back next to Remus. It had been good - very good, in fact - although he usually preferred it less rough, but the harshness had been just what he needed at that moment, finally getting an outlet for all the frustration and tension that had existed between the two of them for so long. “That was passable.” 

“I think it was more than passable since you begged for more and even said please,” Remus smirked. “Guess I wasn’t that small after all, yeah?”

“I didn’t say please!” said Regulus, horrified. “You should take a trip to the otologist and get your hearing checked or a shrink to be checked for hallucinations.”

“Oh, really?” Remus said. “So you didn’t enjoy it? Begging me to go faster and harder? I’m rather sure I heard you moan my name as well so it can’t have been that bad.”

“I was moaning in annoyance and begging for more and faster because it wasn’t good enough what I was getting!” said Regulus and tried to wipe his stomach clean with the corner of the duvet. “By the way, you’re so busy with taking the attention away from the fact that I was about the best fuck you’ve ever have. It was even better than you’d imagined all those months drooling over me.”

“I guess you were okay,” Remus shrugged. He had to admit to himself it was the best sex he had had in a long time, but since this obnoxious brat wouldn’t admit to it having been amazing, Remus wasn’t going to either. 

“I feel sorry for the next many blokes who has sex with you. They won’t be able to measure up to me and satisfy you properly.”

“Well, the blokes you bring home aren’t doing an impressive job with you, so you can’t be easy to please like I just did. You left the window open one evening and you sounded kind of bored with that one.” Remus put a hand to his chest and made a face. “ _Oh.... oh... yes_... and done.”

“Wha...?” said Regulus, going a little pale. “I didn’t bring anyone home lately! I don’t do one-night stands!”

“You were pleasuring yourself, then?” Remus winked.

“I don’t! I mean I’m quiet, then. I do have control over my sounds, you know.”

“Yeah, I could hear that just now. But I’m glad I gave you the best sex you seemed to have ever had. And in case you change your mind about repeat performances, you know where I live.”

“What? You didn’t give me the best sex I ever had! And I made those sounds out of pity because I didn’t want to kill all your spirit. I’m not that cruel, after all. I was thinking that if I gave you a great experience you might stop being such a twat who doesn’t know how to communicate other than by being a twat who acts twattily and does twatty things to his neighbour and his poor cat.”

“Well, it seems I didn’t succeed in pounding any sense into you,” Remus sighed. “Remember that you haven’t been nice to me and Moony either.” He got off the bed and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

Regulus quickly put on his clothes and went to the bathroom where he knocked on the door. 

“Yes?” Remus said, opening the door. 

“I’ll make you a deal, though,” said Regulus, peeping in to see if Remus was still naked. “If you don’t bother me the next... let’s say week - then I might let you shag me again. You know, as a reward.”

“Oh? So it’s only me who gets a reward for leaving you alone? Are you going to stop bothering me too, then? I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to shag you again but I want you to admit you want it.”

Regulus shrugged. “Well, if that’s what it takes. I guess I would rather we shag than fight. I still hate you, though, so don’t go getting any ideas.”

“I can work with that,” Remus smiled. “Looking forward to next week, then.” 

“Yeah. If you can control yourself until then.” Regulus yawned. “Well, I’ll go home and take a nap. Sex always makes me tired. Especially bad sex.”

**o0o0o**

However, the next day when Remus was sitting in his kitchen drinking a cup of tea, there was a knock on his door. He wondered who it could be this early on a Sunday morning. He went past Moony who was lying in his dog bed, for once too lazy to do more than raise an ear. Opening the door, Remus was surprised to find Regulus standing outside.

“Hi...” Regulus shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I’ve been thinking... I was thinking that while you weren’t that great a lay, you do have potential. So, I was thinking that if you got some more practise with someone who knows what he’s doing you might become quite good. Just need a bit of work.”

“Oh, _really?_ ” Remus smirked, knowing very well that his dear neighbour was never going to admit that he had enjoyed the sex immensely. “You have someone in mind to train me?”

“You know who I mean, you twat. So, are you going to take me up on my offer or not?”

“Alright,” Remus nodded. “When is my first lesson, then?”  
  
“Now,” Regulus said and pushed past Remus into the house.   
  
Remus shook his head, smiling. “I’ll be right there,” he chuckled and closed the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end to this little story. Hope you liked it :)  
> We're working on more fics, so don't forget about us ;)


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